Mind over Matter

ABUSE in a relationship is not an option, right?

Yea, that’s what I thought, but a lot of women (and men) are subject to abuse in a relationship and DON’T leave. Are you serious?

Yes, I am.

I always say that if a man ever hits me I will have to leave him immediately. The reason I say this is because a) I’m not havin’ that shit, b) I’m not going to do anything to a man to make him think he needs to hit me, so if he does hit me there is a serious problem.

Now lets discuss option B. I believe a lot of women feel the same way I do, they don’t believe they do anything to make a man think he should hit them, but there are a lot of  things that are “Done” to a person and we don’t even know we are doing them. Small little snide remarks, eye rolling, “talking back”. I know a lot of men who react to smart mouths with a lot of anger and agitation. This takes me back to the need for positive, effective communication with your partner.

Still more, are the mental aspects of people who are abusive towards others. My good friend Marilyn Wiley has written a few very good articles on the Psychological aspects of abuse. Please check out her articles on the following links! Don’t forget to comment too!

Big Kiss (^_^) QueenPinky

http://www.examiner.com/x-61751-Phoenix-Abusive-Relationships-Examiner~y2010m7d29-ABUSIVE-RELATIONSHIPS-UNDERSTANDING-AGGRESSION-AND-AGGRESSIVE-BEHAVIOR-FIRST

http://www.examiner.com/x-61751-Phoenix-Abusive-Relationships-Examiner~y2010m8d3-Abusive-relationships-identifying-a-growing-concern

http://www.examiner.com/x-61751-Phoenix-Abusive-Relationships-Examiner~y2010m8d5-Abusive-relationships-tired-of-the-yeah-buts

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Emotions are EVIL

Social Networks are Evil.

They create a High School like environment where nothing is private or sacred and anyone can do or say anything to hurt you.

Now, I am a firm believer that you can use Facebook, MySpace, Twitter and all that other stuff without without the drama because you have to ALLOW people into your space. They can’t just show up in 3rd period gym class and mess with you! The problem with Facebook specifically is that you can see stuff from “Friends of Friends” and stuff like that. That’s were issues come about for me. I have chosen to keep lots of people away from me but a lot of those people have connections to other people I hate and that “Friends of Friends” thing, get me…

Emotions are Evil.

Social networks are the reason I hate my emotions today!

I have a connection to someone who should be very close to me and my life but they are not. I use Facebook to keep people close to me, I’m there everyday. This person upset me today because of something they posted as their Status. These types of things have been an ongoing trend, ever since I connected with this person on Facebook but it wasn’t until today that my stupid EMOTIONS actually let this status upset me. I had been “okay” with this person and the issue we have with not being close but somehow today I just can’t even stand them and they made me cry and I want to call them and give them a piece of my mind…

But I don’t think it’s worth it. I’m sorry I can’t go into more details but there are people who read my writing who know this person and this issue is an issue for them too. I don’t want anyone getting upset just because I’m upset. I’m sure I’ll get over it.

Emotions are THE HARDEST thing to control about oneself. Even when we say we will control ourselves or not be jealous or not be mad or get over something, emotions keep us on our toes. If we truly want to over come our emotions and how they effect us, we run into a serious challenge and an inner perspective check. Being jealous means we probably need to re-evaluate how we feel about that issue, being mad means we may need to think about something further or change our communication method, being happy means we should do what made us happy more often. Everything takes thought and processing and definitely not rash decision making.

And no, I do not think that deleting the connection I have to this person from Facebook is a Rash Decision. They have my number and the phone works both ways.

The Emotion of the day: Upset/Sad.

Big Kiss ( ; _ ; ) QueenPinky

(I think I’ll start another blog with a secret identity so I can really get this off my chest… I’ve seen it work for others…)

The Sirius El Interview

The Sirius El Interview

I’m not gonna lie, I don’t know a lot of amazing, intelligent, wonderful men. I know some men with good intentions but a man who has just about master all of those things is rare. Sirius El is a good friend of mine. I have known him since junior high and he has not failed me. Where other men have gone astray he has always had a great head on his shoulder and looked out for the best interests of his generation and his race of people. He is positive and has a good outlook on life. Why wouldn’t I ask him to write me an article about male and female relations? Well, my friend did not have the time. He was able, though, to give me an interview via Facebook and I have compiled some of his answers here.

I hope I picked good questions that you all wanted the answers to! Enjoy.

QueenPinky: Name the one thing that a woman HAS TO HAVE in order to get a good man?

Sirius El: She has to be humble…I think men go crazy over humble woman…If her spirit shines brighter than anything, and her countenance is beautiful by the grace of her spirit, a man will be completely in love. It’s a huuuuge turn ON. HUGE. Like really big hahahaaaa & if she can stay that way dealing with all of his issues and not tying him completely into the ills of this world that she is dealing with, then he too will become tied into her own grace and that is how people become one love ,one body, one soul which is the original trinity and the only way to have healthy children is to be a healthy family…or healthy environment.

QueenPinky: You said countenance? Did u mean confidence?

Sirius El: countenance= composure*

QP: LOL, I jus looked it up, thanks. New word of the day.

SE: LOL, you silly, okay keep um comin.

QP: Name something that makes a man not interested in a woman.

SE: When woman are overbearing and loud I think those are major turn offs. Now don’t get me wrong our whole culture as African’s in America is a loud, brash, beautiful rendition of creativity at its finest. But when woman are loud in a sense of always wanting to grab someone’s attention by flaunting, or being in there man’s business instead of creating a holistic environment, that’s when men back away, and retreat!!!!

QP: LOL, okay, so then do men want a woman who will pursue them or do they want to take the lead?

SE: I think Men naturally want to pursue relations with a woman but it comes a point in time when a man needs hints. They aren’t mind readers, I think a lot of woman drag on situations further than they should when they can just let [a man] know where the relationship is going by hinting what they want and what they need in that relationship for example woman might think a man is uninterested if they don’t communicate often but the man isn’t willing to give 100 percent when all he [sees] from you is 35 % so he withdraws and does him because it hasn’t been hinted that your [feeling] him like that…it is good to be a mystery to a man. But not a puzzle or labyrinth that has no end…

QP: LMAO, I see, don’t wanna be a labyrinth.

SE: No you should not…that doesn’t mean be easy either…Show him you can hold out on him… I understand woman love sex just like men…But if you can make him hold out for longer than he expects… he won’t consider you the ordinary sexual partner…

QP: Why do men cheat when they have a good woman?

SE: Is that Good Woman really dating a MAN? I ask this all the time because I think it’s all perception…every good woman doesn’t necessarily date Good Men… I’m not good, and I’m not bad either but I won’t cheat on a Woman that proves time and time again how concrete she is in any various situations and in handling our business and her finances and family life. People who do cheat are never satisfied and have been tied into the vanities of this world so there vision of building has been blocked. A good woman should see that and ask questions from jump… first off how did y’all get into a relationship??? How did y’all meet? What [are] his goals, his wants, and his needs? Weigh all these options out before you decide to jump in the sack with him, and if all you want is some dick, don’t be entranced by the way he has dicktimized you from time to time.

QP: What do men find attractive? Mind, body and spirit.

SE: Women are Goddesses. A man can be attracted to the way you move your lips… some men like woman who say more, some men like woman who say less… A woman just naturally has to know herself… It helps for a woman to be grounded religiously or spiritually trust me, her light shines brighter thru that. When a woman finds herself it is a beautiful thing. No man that is incomplete can complete a woman that is already whole. 360 degrees plus 360 = 720 degrees, that’s what we are trying to ascend to!!

QP: Right, okay, Marriage: Why are men for it? Why are men against it?

SE: Men are against marriage because it requires titles, paper “things”. It denotes that someone is your property and you are someone else’s property…it already gives off the aftertaste of modern day slavery without even calling it that. Why must, in marriages, people be constantly threatened so easily if the next person wants to leave and explore???? That’s why I believe some men are against it. They are against paper commitments to something that is already an unspoken love for the next person naturally… What some African woman in America don’t see or believe is that there are places all over the world where African people build holistic communities with multiple mates because it’s not about I’m yours and she’s mine .. No it’s about this is all of ours and we are trying to build a community environment… I believe Men believe in the sacredness of marriage…if you are married you live longer…you have more than one income it has many benefits in America…it has many upsides, the downsides are you can divorce someone just for them stepping on your shoe. People are not prepared for that commitment today so it scares men who see so much BS in their reality…

QP: Okay, I already wrote an article about this but I want to get a man’s opinion… sex? Is it NEEDED? Does it help keep a relationship together? What happens when there is no sex?

SE: Sex = Therapy…everyone needs it sometimes. The reason why men and woman can’t come to the correct understanding about it is because of the relentless perversion of it in the minds of society. When sex was taboo and silently spoke about it was Sacred at best to those involved, but now ohh noooo. It’s all out in the open and not silently sacred anymore. Sex is always good with the correct person. But I believe that fornicating to a certain degree can get your mind off focus and make your world go into a spiral…

QP: How?

SE: Because it turns into something Ugly, something uncontrollable and your body takes over where your mind once stood… it becomes matter over mind at that point…

QP: How do men feel about older women?

SE: I feel like if I find the right older woman I’m a stick with her hahahahaaaa. She has all the wisdom I need but not hecka older maybe give or take 10-15 years I will say hello, 20 if she look damn good.

QP: So are older women better than younger women? Because of that wisdom?

SE: Uuum just because they are older doesn’t mean they are wiser…LOL. I would hope they r wiser and no, a old diamond that is already cut and defined is [not] any better than that diamond in the rough that hasn’t been shaped yet…

QP: How do you feel about men being expected to pay for things? dates? bills?

SE: Everything should naturally in relationships be 50/50, and when one person is more able then the other, it doesn’t matter what gender ,that other person should support them to get back on their feet so they can sustain each other. That way the relationship will be more holistic and real, without the blame game.

QP: What hurts men? Men do not seem like they get hurt feelings or broken hearts but I keep running into men who don’t want to commit because they fear getting hurt.

SE: Men are hurt by simple things…inconsistency can destroy his perception immediately. we discuss how we feel with our closest friends but other than that its kept quiet …being open is a gift and a curse, read my reflection “OPEN” in my notes… it’s difficult getting hurt.

I went to Sirius’s notes and this is an excerpt of what I found under Open: (THIS IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL)

Your first thought is like how did this happen to me?? I mean, really did I leave myself out there like that? Its what people request but when you show them the way, its as if the door wasn’t big enough…after feeling this way some people never decide to go back down that path, and when their emotions become one big bag of fake smiles, and dis-content grows, we grow closer to figuring out if our first mind was really not in our mind but out of our mind, so times pass where we shun others away from our inward pain, which we wear on the outside so often, and others wish that we would just say what it is we try to conceal…

Sirius El

I want to end this blog with that. I think it is deep and says a lot about how we deal with being open to one another. If you want someone to be open to you, you shouldn’t abuse their trust or feelings. That’s why people do keep their emotions closed and we may find ourselves being “kept out”.

Please leave your comments and questions and I will make sure to get you the appropriate answers!

Big Kiss (^_^) QueenPinky

[Source: http://www.facebook.com/?ref=logo#!/note.php?note_id=400569237172 (Open by Sirius El)(Copyrighted Material)]

[Source: http://www.blogcdn.com/personals.aol.com/articles/media/2009/04/thinking-woman-300a042409.jpg (image: black woman)

[Source: http://api.ning.com/files/i5tsMGXUvnp0t7Z*2U0WcjrXyoKOkoJmpG5LVc3Ph2yYRdF55*yFN6wcAOwQYIPwVp52f4mtmm-Ghse7p8c01KVBgOeKJ6A8/ThinkingMan.jpg (image: The thinking Man)]

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Fatherhood

Fatherhood

I know I missed fathers day with this but I have been confronted with an issue and I want to write about it.

My step father has shown me a different perspective on fatherhood this month.

When my step father found out I would be unemployed he offered to pay my rent so me and Khyra could survive. He did in June and we have been surviving just fine. (Except for potty training!) Well, my mother got the bright idea that I needed to visit my father and that she would chaperon us there, to New Mexico. Great idea! I’m off work for 6 weeks, haven’t seen my father since my daughter was born, so why not. Well, my step father catches wind of this and he has an attitude. I think his mind began running wild with all the things that might go on out there. Affairs, money spending, to much fun with out him… (- _ -)

He said to me, “Why didn’t you ask your dad to pay your rent?” I tell him I did, Lie, and that my father doesn’t have the money currently. He says “Well, why do you need to go see him then?” I say because he’s my dad. Period. “Well you gon’ spend your money to go out there and he’s not gonna pay for anything.” I say that just because he’s not paying for anything doesn’t mean I shouldn’t visit him.

I should visit my dad because he is my dad.

I know people whose fathers have passed away. They have no one to visit.

We have had a strange relationship, me and my dad. But he spawned me. He taught me how to co-exist with people who are not like me: My mother spent a majority of her time with African Americans, my dad cohort-ed with Caucasians mostly, so I have developed a unique way of knowing how to deal with just about anyone. My dad was into arts and rock and roll, my mom was into r&b and movies. Dad was Mcdonalds, mom was home cooking and no eating out.

I got the best of both worlds. (And YES, I do indulge in Rock and Roll…)

My dad has never been a money pile and I am glad of that. We spent our share of money on comics, cds, and video games, but it was not hand over fist. He gave me TIME most of all. I saw him constantly.

I always think about Khyra’s father when I think about fathers. I still can’t put my finger on him. My mother said something that made me happy and has given me my new perspective on how I feel about fathers in general. She said, “I just want Khyra to know him and for him to be around.” That’s what I want too.

Fatherhood all really [should] boil down to one thing. People need time with one another to bond. Money can not buy a bond. Money is temporary, it comes and go. Real fathers invest time and energy into their children. POSITIVE energy. Mothers who hound fathers for money need to remember that money can be gained in so many other ways but the way you interact with your childrens father will shape his involvement with your children. Threats to a babies daddy need to sound more like, “If you don’t come spend some time on your kid, we will disown you…” If he can’t do that then what is he really good for?

Me and my father, Keith Lewis

Big Kiss (^_^) QueenPinky

[Source:http://www.worldofstock.com/slides/PCH3313.jpg (Image)]

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Sex, what is it good for?

Sex, what is it good for?

My favorite male phrase: “I need it.” This, in reference to Sex. Nobody NEEDS sex, or do they??? Sex… I don’t even wanna go here with this topic. I really don’t but I must ask the question, “Is sex necessary for a relationship to thrive?” Ugh. There it is. I said it.

Let’s start at Livestrong.com. I googled the effects of sex on the body and I got them. LiveStrong is pretty reputable so I figure, what the hey, let’s check it out. Turns out that frequent sex can make you healthier. SURPRISE. Lol. Safe sex, with a committed partner can be beneficial to your health. You can burn calories, it reduces the risk of heart attack and stroke in men with regular sexual activity (I don’t know what they conceder “regular activity”…). Endorphins released during sex can relieve pain from migraines and arthritis. Lol, so stop using that my head hurts excuse, ladies. Sex can also increases estrogen and reduces PMS symptoms. Sex can change your mood for the better. The article also goes on to the disadvantages of sex as well, including STD’s and physical bodily pain.

So, all that being said, I’m back to, is it good for a relationship? Well, I would guess so. It is the highest form of intimacy between a man and woman. There is nothing more affectionate than that, as far as I know. I’ve heard a lot of women and men say that if their sex life declines they automatically assume that there is something wrong with their significant other. They may not know exactly what the problem is until they really find out what the problem is but a lack of sex is always a hunch.

Some people use sex as a secret story they share with each other. Their intimate secrets come out in words and touches and it brings couples closer together. Also, can we not all agree that when sexual attraction is gone, one, or both partners seek it elsewhere? Seems like a strong sexual relationship will help sustain a relationship, but we all know that a relationship cannot live on sex alone.

The number one thing that sex is good for in a relationship is multiplication. That’s exactly what sex exists for. Everyone is playing Russian Roulette when it comes to sex because a child could come into the picture at anytime. That’s just one of the many things that could go wrong. Kids are a blessing from God, don’t get me wrong, I know first hand, I am a mother, but an unplanned pregnancy can be very tough on a couple.

So I guess my talk on sex has revealed a few things…

  1. Sex is good for the body. Sex is also bad for the body, if a couple is being irresponsible…
  2. Sex is good for a relationship, as long as it is healthy and safe. The absence of sex is bad for a relationship depending on each member of the relationship and how they value sex.
  3. Sex creates life.

So, sex is good and bad. That’s what I thought.

Big Kiss (^_^) QueenPinky

[Source: http://www.livestrong.com/article/10054-need-sexs-effects-body/%5D

[Source: http://www.essence.com/images/mt/relationships_intimacy_web.jpg (image)]

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Loving Yourself

Loving Yourself

Has anyone ever told you that you can’t love someone until you love yourself? I have heard that time and time again. Even told that to my love ones in the midst of a pity party and man bashing party. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, after quite a few meaningless relationships, two kids, one babies daddy and bringing more harm to myself than I would like to admit, I finally understood it. I thought I loved myself and realized I didn’t, thought that I loved others and realized I didn’t know how to.

To love yourself means taking care of yourself mentally, physically and spiritually. Finding positive outlets to relieve stress, keeping a positive attitude and outlook on life, respecting yourself first then others, treating others the way you want to be treated, and responding in a tactful and diplomatic manner when others disrespect you. These are some ways to love yourself. Eating right, exercise, and attempting to learn everyday is good for your mind, body and even the soul. When you love yourself others realize that and respect you. My experience is that people treat you with the same respect you treat yourself. People value you how you value yourself. When you love yourself you demand that people respect you and your self esteem also becomes stronger.

I feel that one reason for violence is because people don’t love themselves and don’t feel as if they have a reason to live.  People who love themselves have respect for human life and furthermore, their own life. People who care about the outcome of their lives do not want to get caught up in what the judicial system can bring a person, because when you get into the judicial system you lose the right to control your own life. There would be more successful people, college grads, more healthy babies, and less violence if more people loved themselves and others. Loving yourself means being a better person inside and out, up and down.

I have been big on this topic lately due to things that have been going on in my life, when it dawned on me recently that I didn’t love myself the way that I should. A way that’s healthy. In my relationships I have allowed a man to call me names, lie to me, become physical, mislead me, and just plain and simply degrade me. I thought that it was okay and depending on the situation, thought that I was playing my position, thought I was being that down ass bitch that a man needed. After an argument with my children’s father, he told me flat out that I was degrading myself and I couldn’t understand that. I was stuck. How is that possible? I thought that’s what he wanted. What all men wanted? Surprisingly enough that’s not what he wanted. He wanted me to be loyal, supportive, and to do what I needed to as a mom. But I did not have to degrade myself in the process. Not even if he asked, because I should love myself more than I loved him. And that touched me. It made me look at other relationships not with just me but for others also. I realized that if that person loved me they wouldn’t treat me how they did. They wouldn’t ask me to do things to hurt myself. I would hear the truth no matter how it felt, I would be hugged and not hit. Then of course there are the people who haven’t a clue about how to treat a dog, let alone a person. I can understand and even relate to these people. And this is why I have put forth the effort to teach myself and show other how important loving yourself is.

Just a little food for thought: If you’re concerned with how your man is treating you its best to take a look in the mirror because the problem starts with you. Just LOVE YOURSELF.

And with that comes my signature.

♥Love, yourself♥

QueenJai

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Just Say No! Part 1

Just Say No


During my time as a woman I have observed traits in people (not just men) that make them unable to maintain a stable relationship. I call these Just Say No Traits. One or a combination of these things can cause a person to be un-date-able.

These traits can be repaired or eliminated to make someone a better person but they are sometimes hard wired into the system and need lots of readjusting to get rid of them…

Please look out for these qualities and avoid them Like The Plague. This is part one of this particular subject, I’ll cover 10 issues now and ten later. If I can find 10 more, there will be a part 3! Stay Tuned.

In No Particular Order:

Confrontational: A person who constantly tries to create problems. No amount of problem solving skills can help a person involved with someone who is confrontational.

Controlling: A person who wants a hand in all maters at all times. This person wants to tell you when, where, how, how many, why, why not, etc. You are not allowed to do anything without their permission or them knowing what you are doing.

Secretive: This person conceals some part of their life or activity from you. They may keep you from their home or hold conversations in private. Not all secret issues are sign for alarm but please keep an eye open for suspicious behavior.

Mean to his mother: A man who disrespects his mother. Respect for women is across the board. If he curses out his own mother, he will not talk to you much better.

Doesn’t care for his children: This person has no ties to their children what so ever and does not contribute financially, emotionally, or spiritually to his children. This is kind of like the Mean to his mother line. A man who feels he has no responsibility to his children will not be responsible for much else.

Liar: Someone who does not tell the truth. This should be obvious but let me get into something a little deeper. A man doesn’t have to lie to you right off the bat to be a liar. He can lie to anyone about anything. That is enough to be a sign.

Conceited: A person who thinks extremely highly of themselves. There is one thing to think you’re great (I have that problem) but there is a whole other issue to think that you are greater than anyone. There is and always will be someone more beautiful than another, it’s the circle of life. One beautiful person passes away and another one is born. Same for the ugly people. Get over yourself.

Has a Girlfriend: A person in a committed relationship and the fact that there is a relationship is common knowledge. The main problem with this is that IF a person leaves their significant other for you they will more than likely do the same thing to you.

No Motivation: A person with no personal drive to do anything. This is a person who lives at home with their mother and has no intentions of moving out. This person settles and does not want anything better than what they have.

Possessive/clingy: Unnaturally attached to another person to the point of being controlling. This person does not want you to do anything without them. They are very likely to try to keep you away from your family and friends as well. This person can actually be very dangerous because these relationships are known to get into violence and psychotic behaviors if the person looses control over you.

That Ends Part 1…

We all have to try our best to get into things for the right reasons. Sometimes the people who display these traits just need time to grow. Give them some space!

Big Kiss (^_^) QueenPinky

P.S. If you have any suggestions, comment here and I will add them. I know you guys have suggestions! You always do.

P.S.S. Thanks for all the love!

[Source:http://images.chron.com/blogs/realrehab/archives/pictures/just_say_no.gif (Just Say No Image)]

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