Mind over Matter

ABUSE in a relationship is not an option, right?

Yea, that’s what I thought, but a lot of women (and men) are subject to abuse in a relationship and DON’T leave. Are you serious?

Yes, I am.

I always say that if a man ever hits me I will have to leave him immediately. The reason I say this is because a) I’m not havin’ that shit, b) I’m not going to do anything to a man to make him think he needs to hit me, so if he does hit me there is a serious problem.

Now lets discuss option B. I believe a lot of women feel the same way I do, they don’t believe they do anything to make a man think he should hit them, but there are a lot of  things that are “Done” to a person and we don’t even know we are doing them. Small little snide remarks, eye rolling, “talking back”. I know a lot of men who react to smart mouths with a lot of anger and agitation. This takes me back to the need for positive, effective communication with your partner.

Still more, are the mental aspects of people who are abusive towards others. My good friend Marilyn Wiley has written a few very good articles on the Psychological aspects of abuse. Please check out her articles on the following links! Don’t forget to comment too!

Big Kiss (^_^) QueenPinky




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POLL: Who Makes the First Move?

Who Makes the First Move? (After a breakup)

So, in my last few break ups I made few attempts to reconnect with my ex after the initial break up. I did respond to any of their attempts, because I try to get over my break up as soon as possible and I just want to co-exist with everyone, even ex boyfriends.

Also in my case, the way I usually break up so much like a meeting that it would almost seem irrational not to keep in touch. We usually try to resolve issues and explain pain and suffering. A lot of people do not get that much into it at all so there are open wounds still left untreated. This makes for difficulty dealing with communication after a break up.

I opened up the conversation of after-relationship-communication because I wanted to get a show of hands on this one. Please participate in my polls and comment when you’re done.

Big Kiss (^_^) QueenPinky

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The Sirius El Interview

The Sirius El Interview

I’m not gonna lie, I don’t know a lot of amazing, intelligent, wonderful men. I know some men with good intentions but a man who has just about master all of those things is rare. Sirius El is a good friend of mine. I have known him since junior high and he has not failed me. Where other men have gone astray he has always had a great head on his shoulder and looked out for the best interests of his generation and his race of people. He is positive and has a good outlook on life. Why wouldn’t I ask him to write me an article about male and female relations? Well, my friend did not have the time. He was able, though, to give me an interview via Facebook and I have compiled some of his answers here.

I hope I picked good questions that you all wanted the answers to! Enjoy.

QueenPinky: Name the one thing that a woman HAS TO HAVE in order to get a good man?

Sirius El: She has to be humble…I think men go crazy over humble woman…If her spirit shines brighter than anything, and her countenance is beautiful by the grace of her spirit, a man will be completely in love. It’s a huuuuge turn ON. HUGE. Like really big hahahaaaa & if she can stay that way dealing with all of his issues and not tying him completely into the ills of this world that she is dealing with, then he too will become tied into her own grace and that is how people become one love ,one body, one soul which is the original trinity and the only way to have healthy children is to be a healthy family…or healthy environment.

QueenPinky: You said countenance? Did u mean confidence?

Sirius El: countenance= composure*

QP: LOL, I jus looked it up, thanks. New word of the day.

SE: LOL, you silly, okay keep um comin.

QP: Name something that makes a man not interested in a woman.

SE: When woman are overbearing and loud I think those are major turn offs. Now don’t get me wrong our whole culture as African’s in America is a loud, brash, beautiful rendition of creativity at its finest. But when woman are loud in a sense of always wanting to grab someone’s attention by flaunting, or being in there man’s business instead of creating a holistic environment, that’s when men back away, and retreat!!!!

QP: LOL, okay, so then do men want a woman who will pursue them or do they want to take the lead?

SE: I think Men naturally want to pursue relations with a woman but it comes a point in time when a man needs hints. They aren’t mind readers, I think a lot of woman drag on situations further than they should when they can just let [a man] know where the relationship is going by hinting what they want and what they need in that relationship for example woman might think a man is uninterested if they don’t communicate often but the man isn’t willing to give 100 percent when all he [sees] from you is 35 % so he withdraws and does him because it hasn’t been hinted that your [feeling] him like that…it is good to be a mystery to a man. But not a puzzle or labyrinth that has no end…

QP: LMAO, I see, don’t wanna be a labyrinth.

SE: No you should not…that doesn’t mean be easy either…Show him you can hold out on him… I understand woman love sex just like men…But if you can make him hold out for longer than he expects… he won’t consider you the ordinary sexual partner…

QP: Why do men cheat when they have a good woman?

SE: Is that Good Woman really dating a MAN? I ask this all the time because I think it’s all perception…every good woman doesn’t necessarily date Good Men… I’m not good, and I’m not bad either but I won’t cheat on a Woman that proves time and time again how concrete she is in any various situations and in handling our business and her finances and family life. People who do cheat are never satisfied and have been tied into the vanities of this world so there vision of building has been blocked. A good woman should see that and ask questions from jump… first off how did y’all get into a relationship??? How did y’all meet? What [are] his goals, his wants, and his needs? Weigh all these options out before you decide to jump in the sack with him, and if all you want is some dick, don’t be entranced by the way he has dicktimized you from time to time.

QP: What do men find attractive? Mind, body and spirit.

SE: Women are Goddesses. A man can be attracted to the way you move your lips… some men like woman who say more, some men like woman who say less… A woman just naturally has to know herself… It helps for a woman to be grounded religiously or spiritually trust me, her light shines brighter thru that. When a woman finds herself it is a beautiful thing. No man that is incomplete can complete a woman that is already whole. 360 degrees plus 360 = 720 degrees, that’s what we are trying to ascend to!!

QP: Right, okay, Marriage: Why are men for it? Why are men against it?

SE: Men are against marriage because it requires titles, paper “things”. It denotes that someone is your property and you are someone else’s property…it already gives off the aftertaste of modern day slavery without even calling it that. Why must, in marriages, people be constantly threatened so easily if the next person wants to leave and explore???? That’s why I believe some men are against it. They are against paper commitments to something that is already an unspoken love for the next person naturally… What some African woman in America don’t see or believe is that there are places all over the world where African people build holistic communities with multiple mates because it’s not about I’m yours and she’s mine .. No it’s about this is all of ours and we are trying to build a community environment… I believe Men believe in the sacredness of marriage…if you are married you live longer…you have more than one income it has many benefits in America…it has many upsides, the downsides are you can divorce someone just for them stepping on your shoe. People are not prepared for that commitment today so it scares men who see so much BS in their reality…

QP: Okay, I already wrote an article about this but I want to get a man’s opinion… sex? Is it NEEDED? Does it help keep a relationship together? What happens when there is no sex?

SE: Sex = Therapy…everyone needs it sometimes. The reason why men and woman can’t come to the correct understanding about it is because of the relentless perversion of it in the minds of society. When sex was taboo and silently spoke about it was Sacred at best to those involved, but now ohh noooo. It’s all out in the open and not silently sacred anymore. Sex is always good with the correct person. But I believe that fornicating to a certain degree can get your mind off focus and make your world go into a spiral…

QP: How?

SE: Because it turns into something Ugly, something uncontrollable and your body takes over where your mind once stood… it becomes matter over mind at that point…

QP: How do men feel about older women?

SE: I feel like if I find the right older woman I’m a stick with her hahahahaaaa. She has all the wisdom I need but not hecka older maybe give or take 10-15 years I will say hello, 20 if she look damn good.

QP: So are older women better than younger women? Because of that wisdom?

SE: Uuum just because they are older doesn’t mean they are wiser…LOL. I would hope they r wiser and no, a old diamond that is already cut and defined is [not] any better than that diamond in the rough that hasn’t been shaped yet…

QP: How do you feel about men being expected to pay for things? dates? bills?

SE: Everything should naturally in relationships be 50/50, and when one person is more able then the other, it doesn’t matter what gender ,that other person should support them to get back on their feet so they can sustain each other. That way the relationship will be more holistic and real, without the blame game.

QP: What hurts men? Men do not seem like they get hurt feelings or broken hearts but I keep running into men who don’t want to commit because they fear getting hurt.

SE: Men are hurt by simple things…inconsistency can destroy his perception immediately. we discuss how we feel with our closest friends but other than that its kept quiet …being open is a gift and a curse, read my reflection “OPEN” in my notes… it’s difficult getting hurt.

I went to Sirius’s notes and this is an excerpt of what I found under Open: (THIS IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL)

Your first thought is like how did this happen to me?? I mean, really did I leave myself out there like that? Its what people request but when you show them the way, its as if the door wasn’t big enough…after feeling this way some people never decide to go back down that path, and when their emotions become one big bag of fake smiles, and dis-content grows, we grow closer to figuring out if our first mind was really not in our mind but out of our mind, so times pass where we shun others away from our inward pain, which we wear on the outside so often, and others wish that we would just say what it is we try to conceal…

Sirius El

I want to end this blog with that. I think it is deep and says a lot about how we deal with being open to one another. If you want someone to be open to you, you shouldn’t abuse their trust or feelings. That’s why people do keep their emotions closed and we may find ourselves being “kept out”.

Please leave your comments and questions and I will make sure to get you the appropriate answers!

Big Kiss (^_^) QueenPinky

[Source: http://www.facebook.com/?ref=logo#!/note.php?note_id=400569237172 (Open by Sirius El)(Copyrighted Material)]

[Source: http://www.blogcdn.com/personals.aol.com/articles/media/2009/04/thinking-woman-300a042409.jpg (image: black woman)

[Source: http://api.ning.com/files/i5tsMGXUvnp0t7Z*2U0WcjrXyoKOkoJmpG5LVc3Ph2yYRdF55*yFN6wcAOwQYIPwVp52f4mtmm-Ghse7p8c01KVBgOeKJ6A8/ThinkingMan.jpg (image: The thinking Man)]

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Property Damage!!!

Property Damage!!!

I just had a Facebook conversation with a bunch of people about women breaking the windows out of  a mans car after they have broken up. I got some interesting point of views there, some comedy and some emotional truths so I wanted to sum them up here. Thank you to Mz. Kewe of JuneBug Talk for starting this conversation and giving me the inspiration.

During the talk I did learn something about men. Men cherish things that they can control or that they think will not desert them. A guy chimed in and said that a car will not betray you like a woman. They also reminded us that they do love us as much as that car but when we change, they change. The car never changes. If we never changed our behavior from positive to negative we would not be deserted by our man or mistreated.

BUT what about when we don’t change? What about when we are consistent and supportive and loving and caring and blah blah blah. Well think about it like this… Men mistreat their cars, or Xbox or Shoes or whatever it is that they seem to cherish more than us. Like not getting an oil change, or beating on the Xbox when it doesn’t play right, but does the Xbox complain? Does it take the games and leave? Does it hit back? No! So on that note, the relationship continues as well as it did before the Xbox got hit. Outside of the physical, a man may never tell an Xbox that it loves it. Women thrive on those types of verbal reminders of affection. This is the difference. Women react to mistreatment, and lack of love, some more than others and without a healthy way of working out those problems then a relationship must end. Just a note: physical abuse means a relationship must end. No Questions.

Something else that the guys said was that it really pisses them off when their property is damaged by crazy women. Of course. A woman would feel the same way if the roles were reversed. Some men even jokingly said that they would resort to violence! It was funny but it was the truth, some men would be so furious that if they caught up to you they would surely try to kill you.

The conclusion I came to is something that I think we all know: When relationships have to be over, no matter when, where, how or why, we must be adult about it. Defacing property is a crime and it will not get your relationship, happiness or sanity back. It will feel good, for the moment but you could incur some financial issues, if you get caught, and the benefits of it feeling good will soon go away when you realize that he can just as easily go get the repairs done, or when you realize you have to pay for the repairs.

If you feel like you might want to deface some property go read my blog “How to get over you ex in 7 days”. It might help.

Queens are bigger than Property Damage.

Big Kiss (^_^) QueenPinky

[Source:http://www.energyfm.net (image)]

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Just Say No! Part 1

Just Say No

During my time as a woman I have observed traits in people (not just men) that make them unable to maintain a stable relationship. I call these Just Say No Traits. One or a combination of these things can cause a person to be un-date-able.

These traits can be repaired or eliminated to make someone a better person but they are sometimes hard wired into the system and need lots of readjusting to get rid of them…

Please look out for these qualities and avoid them Like The Plague. This is part one of this particular subject, I’ll cover 10 issues now and ten later. If I can find 10 more, there will be a part 3! Stay Tuned.

In No Particular Order:

Confrontational: A person who constantly tries to create problems. No amount of problem solving skills can help a person involved with someone who is confrontational.

Controlling: A person who wants a hand in all maters at all times. This person wants to tell you when, where, how, how many, why, why not, etc. You are not allowed to do anything without their permission or them knowing what you are doing.

Secretive: This person conceals some part of their life or activity from you. They may keep you from their home or hold conversations in private. Not all secret issues are sign for alarm but please keep an eye open for suspicious behavior.

Mean to his mother: A man who disrespects his mother. Respect for women is across the board. If he curses out his own mother, he will not talk to you much better.

Doesn’t care for his children: This person has no ties to their children what so ever and does not contribute financially, emotionally, or spiritually to his children. This is kind of like the Mean to his mother line. A man who feels he has no responsibility to his children will not be responsible for much else.

Liar: Someone who does not tell the truth. This should be obvious but let me get into something a little deeper. A man doesn’t have to lie to you right off the bat to be a liar. He can lie to anyone about anything. That is enough to be a sign.

Conceited: A person who thinks extremely highly of themselves. There is one thing to think you’re great (I have that problem) but there is a whole other issue to think that you are greater than anyone. There is and always will be someone more beautiful than another, it’s the circle of life. One beautiful person passes away and another one is born. Same for the ugly people. Get over yourself.

Has a Girlfriend: A person in a committed relationship and the fact that there is a relationship is common knowledge. The main problem with this is that IF a person leaves their significant other for you they will more than likely do the same thing to you.

No Motivation: A person with no personal drive to do anything. This is a person who lives at home with their mother and has no intentions of moving out. This person settles and does not want anything better than what they have.

Possessive/clingy: Unnaturally attached to another person to the point of being controlling. This person does not want you to do anything without them. They are very likely to try to keep you away from your family and friends as well. This person can actually be very dangerous because these relationships are known to get into violence and psychotic behaviors if the person looses control over you.

That Ends Part 1…

We all have to try our best to get into things for the right reasons. Sometimes the people who display these traits just need time to grow. Give them some space!

Big Kiss (^_^) QueenPinky

P.S. If you have any suggestions, comment here and I will add them. I know you guys have suggestions! You always do.

P.S.S. Thanks for all the love!

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What do women really want?

What do women really want?

Men highly believe that what most women want out of their men is a lot. When in reality, is it really? For some reason men get this idea that women want a thug, a preppy guy, a millionaire, a chef, or even a family guy. But, if we look beyond the meaning of these words then you get something much deeper. In fact, you get something that all they have in common.

Let me break this down into what women really want.

A)     A men that is loyal not only to themselves or their profession but to the one that they claim to be with. Someone that has allegiance to them and only them. Which brings me to,

B)     A man that is trustworthy. If you don’t have trust in a relationship, then what do you have? Nothing. If a man can’t be trusted then what is the point of being in a relationship. Mind you that does go both ways. So, in the mind of a woman that is truly trustworthy, there is nothing called an open relationship. Why? Because at the end of it all you are still sharing your partner. It’s all cheating. Which means you can’t be trusted.

C)     Honesty. A woman should never have to question what her man does or what her man is doing. Just be honest about what is going on with the life that is being lead. A man has to remember when you are in a relationship you put away the “I” for “US”. So, when the “I” gets into any trouble of some sort, it’s really “US” that is in the trouble. Reason being, going back to being loyal and trusting. When you are loyal and trusting to your partner then you can always count on them being there for you.

D)     An independent man is always a winner. A car, a job, and a place of their own are ALWAYS nice but there is more to being independent. A man that can take care of themselves and not need mommy or wifey to take care of them is always a plus. That just shows that they have the will power to do it themselves. It may not always be the right route, but it does show the willingness of them taking care of themselves.

E)      A man that wants you for you and not the sex. Yes, I know in our generation people look for sex as being a major role in a relationship. But, there is more to the relationship than just sex. If a woman has a partner and all he ever wants is to have sex, I’m sorry then there is a problem. Look at the woman for who they really are and not look in between their legs. A woman always has that an instinct of what is really going on with their man. So, if woman has the feeling that their man is only there for that one thing, I highly doubt that relationship is going to last.

F)      Respect for their mothers. I grew up with my mother always telling me, “If a real man respects their mother then it’s a high chance that they will respect you.” The reasoning behind that is, a man will not treat you in any way that they wouldn’t want their mother to be treated by another man. Some men are known to curse, yell, and be very disobedient/ disrespectful to their mother. But, if you come across a man that won’t treat their mother like that, then it’s a good chance that they wouldn’t treat you like that. And I have seen it on both sides. So, I find that to be very true.

G)     Or even a man that doesn’t have a problem showing their love. I know that love is a very strong word.  But, love also is shown and not said in most cases. Having a man that doesn’t have a problem expressing their true emotions, affection, and attachment is always a plus. Just like a man who wants a woman that is a lady in the streets, and a freak in the bed. That is the same with a woman having her man show that he can take care of him, her, and them in the streets and be loving (showing the emotion, affection, and attachment) in the bed. Once again, this is one that goes both ways.

H)     Friendship. My mother always told me that the best relationship is one that starts off with a strong friendship. Mainly because, when you start off as friends then you ready know for the most part what makes the other one tick.

I)       To feel protected. See, most women can protect themselves. Even if it is physically or verbally. But, to feel protected by a man is much different. To have your man by your side in any situation shows that they really and truly care. My boyfriend saw my brother put his hands on me and all I had to do was just sit there and let them fight. Me being me, I had to stand my ground even if my man was there. Also, I have had my man jump into a verbal fight for me even if I was wrong. In his mind, he feels that I shouldn’t ever have to fight a battle wither i’m wrong or right.

J)       A woman needs to feel like their man is really there for them. Not always just sexually, but being there emotionally, physically, and support them in any way possible. So, when your woman calls you saying that they really need you, that doesn’t mean you rush off the phone. That means you need to hear them out and listen to what it is that they have to say. Even if the advice you give them is a little to the left that shows that you were listening to what they were saying. The key point  is to listen and show that you really care.

K)      And last but not least, confidence. NO woman wants a man that isn’t confident in themselves or isn’t confident in their woman. To a woman that just shows a low self-esteem. That isn’t sexy to a woman. A man can be ugly on the outside, but, when they display confidence that shows that they believe in themselves and are confident in what they are doing.

As you can see, what a women really wants out of a men isn’t a lot. The way I see it, these are the same things that men want out of their women, but, we as women just experience what we want a little differently than men. The difference is men may not verbally tell you these things whereas a woman will break it down like I did above. At the same time, women don’t have an issue expressing how they really feel, where men may struggle. Among all our difference we are so much the same.

Either way, man or woman, once we understand what we want personally, we will be able to see eye to eye.

Next time we will explore the differences between a man and a woman!

:* QueenTee *:

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Is Age An Issue?

Is Age An Issue?

Of course not! Age is nothing but a number. BUT there is a large difference in older men and younger men. I will now present the BENEFITS of each side. I’ll save the DOWNSIDES for another blog… (^_^)

Be A Cougar!

Younger men are…

  • Persistent: They do not give up. They will chase you to the end of the earth, and what woman doesn’t want a man to pursue them relentlessly!? As long as there is no stalking involved.
  • Spontaneous:  These guys never do the same thing twice. Their little brains work so fast and they really remind me of someone with ADHD. They just keep moving and have relentless energy.
  • Cute: These young men have smooth, wrinkle-less skin (if they don’t have acne), lots of hair that they style in so many unique ways, they dress hip and follow the trends. They are just adorable!
  • Moldable: A good younger man is willing to take your advanced skills and adapt them to their lives. If they love and care for you they are willing to let you mold them into what you want them to be, as long as you don’t come off demanding and pushy.
  • Willing to experiment: These are some very energetic love makers and they will try anything. But their experimentation doesn’t stop in the bedroom. They are willing to try things in the real world as well.
  • Not set in their ways: These guys don’t really have “ways”. Some men are stubborn, but that’s not the same thing. These fellas are willing to grow and change as long as they feel like it will benefit them.

Be a Daddy’s Baby!

Older men are…

  • Financially Stable: USUALLY. A man over 30 USUALLY has a career, house, car etc. Sometimes not, though. 40+, they are very likely to be financially stable. The society we are living in now is breeding irresponsible men so some 30 some things are turning out to be pathetic.
  • Old fashion ways: Opening doors for you, paying for dinner, taking out the trash, bringing home the bacon. Yea, if your confused by these types of ideas you need to meet a gentleman. Older men BELIEVE they should do all these things.
  • Not Afraid of Commitment: These men, if single, want to be married. Sometimes they have been burned by a previous marriage so they are more resistant but they do understand the need for serious commitment.
  • Experienced: They have seen so much, have wadded through the crap and know whats real. They have done everything and know what to and not to do. They may have also seen lots of bedroom action by this time, which could be good or bad.
  • Not in a rush or wild: Depending on how old this older man is, he is just trying to savory his time left. He is not in a hurry to do anything. He is comfortable and probably doesn’t want to change a lot. This is the man you want for stability. Plus you probably won’t find him out in a club chasing skirts.
  • Refined taste: Ladies, do you like freeform jazz, wine, cheese and art museum? Well and older man will know exactly who Georges Seurat is while at the same time knowing which wine goes best with that pasta.

NOTE: I Googled this question: “What do you call a woman who dates older men? You will never guess the answer I got… Slut. I can’t believe it! I’ve been known to hit both sides of the spectrum and I can’t believe how one sided people can be when they think about gender roles. Just because an older man is more well off, usually, they think women persue those men for money only. There are so many great reasons to date an older man, some I have mentioned and some I have not. We have to break these stereotypes Queens. Go into relationships for the RIGHT reasons and these misconceptions will be a thing of the past!

Big Kiss (^_^) QueenPinky

[Source:Worldcnews.com (Old Black Male Image)]

[Source: http://tyrashow.warnerbros.com (Young Black Male Image)]

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