I know I missed fathers day with this but I have been confronted with an issue and I want to write about it.

My step father has shown me a different perspective on fatherhood this month.

When my step father found out I would be unemployed he offered to pay my rent so me and Khyra could survive. He did in June and we have been surviving just fine. (Except for potty training!) Well, my mother got the bright idea that I needed to visit my father and that she would chaperon us there, to New Mexico. Great idea! I’m off work for 6 weeks, haven’t seen my father since my daughter was born, so why not. Well, my step father catches wind of this and he has an attitude. I think his mind began running wild with all the things that might go on out there. Affairs, money spending, to much fun with out him… (- _ -)

He said to me, “Why didn’t you ask your dad to pay your rent?” I tell him I did, Lie, and that my father doesn’t have the money currently. He says “Well, why do you need to go see him then?” I say because he’s my dad. Period. “Well you gon’ spend your money to go out there and he’s not gonna pay for anything.” I say that just because he’s not paying for anything doesn’t mean I shouldn’t visit him.

I should visit my dad because he is my dad.

I know people whose fathers have passed away. They have no one to visit.

We have had a strange relationship, me and my dad. But he spawned me. He taught me how to co-exist with people who are not like me: My mother spent a majority of her time with African Americans, my dad cohort-ed with Caucasians mostly, so I have developed a unique way of knowing how to deal with just about anyone. My dad was into arts and rock and roll, my mom was into r&b and movies. Dad was Mcdonalds, mom was home cooking and no eating out.

I got the best of both worlds. (And YES, I do indulge in Rock and Roll…)

My dad has never been a money pile and I am glad of that. We spent our share of money on comics, cds, and video games, but it was not hand over fist. He gave me TIME most of all. I saw him constantly.

I always think about Khyra’s father when I think about fathers. I still can’t put my finger on him. My mother said something that made me happy and has given me my new perspective on how I feel about fathers in general. She said, “I just want Khyra to know him and for him to be around.” That’s what I want too.

Fatherhood all really [should] boil down to one thing. People need time with one another to bond. Money can not buy a bond. Money is temporary, it comes and go. Real fathers invest time and energy into their children. POSITIVE energy. Mothers who hound fathers for money need to remember that money can be gained in so many other ways but the way you interact with your childrens father will shape his involvement with your children. Threats to a babies daddy need to sound more like, “If you don’t come spend some time on your kid, we will disown you…” If he can’t do that then what is he really good for?

Me and my father, Keith Lewis

Big Kiss (^_^) QueenPinky

[Source:http://www.worldofstock.com/slides/PCH3313.jpg (Image)]

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9 thoughts on “Fatherhood

  1. I was beginning to worry about you-no posts!

    This is an excellent post. Parents these days are so caught up with money and letting their kids have a better life than they lived-not having to do without, not ever suffering. That’s how you got spoiled rotten brats running around in this world. Kids need time and love not someone to pay them off!

    • Yes! I work with children so I know how the pay offs work… or doesn’t work for that matter! lol

      Time is money. Spending time on your children will make them priceless.

      Big Kiss (^_^) QueenPinky

    • You kno, QueenHope, for a few days after talking with my step dad I was angry with him but the more I thought about his children, some of whom I know, and the lack of care they show for him, I realized there was something MUCH deeper than just what he was sayin. The message was so deep in him that he actually thought it was the right thing to think. It turned from anger to sadness, really. I just know my family is going to make him see that WE are not just hear for the money.

      Big Kiss (^_^) QueenPinky

  2. Keona says:

    Hey Queen Pinky! It sounds like u have the best of both worlds when it comes to fathers… a lot of people don’t even kno who’s their fathers are besides a check they used to receive… if that. I think a father is a man who is their for you the best way he can cuz no one is perfect… take my father for example. He loves sports…When it came to my sister, who plays basketball he used to play with her.. get her on teams… got a basketball court… the whole nine… now myself.. I was a dancer and into the preforming arts… my dad didn’t dance or had any interest in my areas however every preformance he was in attendences and made sure I got to my rehearsals… although it seemed as if my sister got better treatment its not the case… he is being supportive to the both of us the best way he knows how

    My point is…..no matter which way you look at things.. a man can only do so much in the lives of their children and we all need to take that into consideration… a lot of men don’t know how to emotionally connect with someone so they give money as a replacement… while some are broke as hell but constantly meditate in the woods (exgerated example) either way I feel if he is there period… we must appreciate that

    Great read girl

    • That is so touching QueenKeona! I’m glad that you looked at it the right way and not in a negative way. Some people would see their fathers over involvement in one and not the other as favoritism but you understand the truth.

      Did you really want your dad up there doing splits and jumps anyway? lol, j/k.

      Thanks for coming by!

      Big Kiss (^_^) QueenPinky

  3. thetalentedmrbentley says:

    Whats up queen. Insightful post. You are lucky to have two fathers. My father really has not played any other role other than a financial sponsor in my life (and he wonders why I only call him when I neeed money). But I would like to point out something. Many African American men are overly concerned with money becuase African women and the maninstream media have always critcized African American men for not being providers, not being able to financially suipport their families. I am a father and believe me, it is definitely in the forefront of my mind to be able to support my son. Would you really be okay with a man beign there for his children but he never has anything to give them other than advice. As with most things in life, it all comes back to balance. I do agree that children need that quality time with their fathers. But I do believe that it is also a man’s duty to be able to support his family as well. The sad thing is that in today’s world, we often have to sacrifice more of one to have the other. It is not that black men feel that time is not important. I think most of us just want to prove to our women, as well as everyone else, that we are man enough to take care of our children. Which brings up another point, when women usually talks about what makes a man a man, the qualities usually revolve around finances. What are we to think then queen?

    • First of all, I’ve missed you KingMrBentley! You can’t get me all excited for meaningful readings and then leave me!

      Second of all. I agree with you. Money “makes the world go round” especially in the black community. I think there are some old, deep seeded issues with black women depending on black men that have been trained into us. I could go into this further but I don’t want to preach.

      Its difficult to respond to your question because I would not (and do not) make men feel like money is all that’s important in life. My daughters father knows we need, everyone needs something, and I don’t need to beat him over the head with that. I ask politely, here and there, but I know his situation. A closed mouth doesn’t get fed, right? But an open mouth doesn’t need to be negative, pushy or an asshole either. I stand by the idea that a person should know who they are dealing with before they should bring life into the world. I knew how hard it would be financially to have my child but I went through with it. I’m not going to blame him now for my decision.

      I’ve been erasing and re-writing my reply for like 15 minutes now because I’ve been rambling and can’t pinpoint a good solid response to your comment. What you have said is such a serious issue that needs to be confronted in our communities but all I can really say is that a woman who doesn’t put love and care over money when it comes to their children’s father or their husband is not a woman worth dealing with. I do not believe that money is equally as important as anything related to positive child rearing. If I could put a number to it, I would take 15 percent money and 85 percent involvement and bonding. I know we need money to survive but we don’t need money to LOVE. If a woman truly loves and respects the man in her life, money should not dictate how she deals with him.

      I don’t feel like that was a sufficient answer… lol, but thats what I got. My answer lies a lot more in that little thing I don’t want to preach about so I believe my answer wont be sufficient unless I preach on that. lol

      Thanks for coming by!

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